My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
