dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
