I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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