No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
