Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
