i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
