Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
