you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
