I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize