Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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