Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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