Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
