Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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