we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
