no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
