I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
