I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
