I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
