Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
