Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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