My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
are you so shy because you have an std?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
