so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
