If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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