I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
