I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize