I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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