it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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