I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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