my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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