I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
