the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
