Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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