so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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