The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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