he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm like, not good at living.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
