He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
