can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
