STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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