i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize