it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
