that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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