I just threw up on my dentist
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
