i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
