u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize