I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
