Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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