At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
