Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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