I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
