so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
