home. puking in laundry basket.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
