yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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