I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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