I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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