Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
