i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
