I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
