Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
