What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
