I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
