Don't you send me to vm
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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