Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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