You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Randomize
